


you are the place where i can rest my weary bones (you are my home)

by catsoncocaine



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Childhood Friends, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, an attempt was made, unrequited!akaken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:14:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28120710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsoncocaine/pseuds/catsoncocaine
Summary: “Okay when you’re done laughing can you please come help me sort it out?”“How do you suggest I help you? Put up dating advertisements around my campus so you can find a temporary boyfriend?”“No-- Kuro that’s ridiculous!” Kenma chucked another pillow Kuroo’s way, but this time he caught it with his hands. Annoying bastard. “The thing is-- Akaashi thinks it’s you.”orKuroo and Kenma pursues a fake relationship to save Kenma's dignity. As is with all fake relationships, it did not end well.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, background Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 86
Collections: Kuroken Christmas Exchange 2020





	you are the place where i can rest my weary bones (you are my home)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cresserendipity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cresserendipity/gifts).



> Written for Kuroken Xmas Exchange 2020! For my giftee, Cress!
> 
> *IMPORTANT* 
> 
> I realized a mistake in the continuity of the story, whereas Haruko is supposed to be held early January so supposedly, Bokuto’s debut game should be before Haruko and not after (the V.League season starts from around mid-November until February, and Bokuto's match is the first game of the season). But for the sake of the story can we just… forget that and pretend Haruko is held around mid-October instead kddknfsnfd IM SO SORRY FOR NOT STAYING TRUE TO THE FACTS BUT IT WENT COMPLETELY OVER MY HEAD WHEN WRITING THIS.
> 
> I also suggest listening to Lauv & LANY's [Mean It](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNff6CxDv6s) because essentially, that summarizes Kuroo's feelings for Kenma throughout this fic.
> 
> Enjoy!

Kuroo watched Kenma fidget around with the Switch in his hands instead of playing with it for the sixth time that morning, and it’s starting to worry him. He was pretty sure that Kenma already got the game he wanted a few days ago, and from past conversations, that he was already halfway through the game, aiming to beat it by the end of next week, so he definitely knew that the fidgeting was not from the anxiety of waiting for the game to be released neither was it out of boredom. 

“Kenma, are you going to tell me why you invited me over or are you just planning to mope today?” Kuroo chucked a small pillow to Kenma’s way, successfully drawing his attention. The smaller man made an irritated face, scrunching his eyebrows together and knitting a frown across his forehead, before he went back into his mood for the day. Kuroo didn’t say anything, just raising his eyebrows in a silent inquiry.

Kenma gently placed his console on the bedside table, opting to lie down, limbs sprawled across the twin-sized bed that is obviously too big for his frame. Kuroo was still staring at him from where he was seated at Kenma’s study table. “So, you’re going to tell me now? This big problem you’re facing?”

“I told Akaashi I like him,” the boy said in a single breath, as fast as he could before he could succumb to the embarrassment.

“You did what?!”

Kenma winced when Kuroo whipped around, accidentally knocking out a lone water bottle on the table and it fell to the ground with a graceless thud. He really needs to start cleaning his room. 

“Kenma, answer me, when did this happen?”

His friend was already aware of Kenma’s affection for a certain setter from a certain school, but he had never included the tiny detail that he was going to confess to said setter in any of their conversations, despite still texting and calling each other a lot. Of course, there was the fact that Kuroo is busy now that he’s in college and Kenma does not want to bother him with his measly love life issues. But he also didn’t tell Kuroo that he was going to confess because… Kenma had never planned to confess either. 

In Kenma’s defense, it was summer, it was hot, and the heat scorched his ability to think straight.

\--

_The summer training camp witnessed the hottest time of the year, and Kenma, who was already several hundred feets away outside of his comfort zone, namely his air-conditioned room fully equipped with his gaming consoles, was even crankier than usual. And it doesn’t help that he was stuck with the object of his affection, captain of Fukurodani Academy’s Volleyball Club, Akaashi Keiji himself, for cleaning duties today. The two of them were captains, why the hell are they the ones who got the short end of the stick and had to clean up after everyone else?_

_(Well the answer was because they made a bet amongst the captains, instigated by Ennoshita, that little shit, and that the team with most draws, not losses, would have to send their captain to do the cleanup duty of the day. And here they were.)_

_Akaashi must have sensed his annoyance, bless his kind soul, and offered to do the last bits of mopping the floor and rearranging the chairs for him, letting Kenma take a breath of fresh air outside of the stuffy gym._

_He didn’t realize that Akaashi was done with cleaning before a cold sensation of_ something _was pressed against the side of his neck, and when he opened his eyes to peek at whatever it was, he was met with the sight of--_

_An angel._

_It_ would _have been an angel, if Kenma does not know that it’s Akaashi. And he did look like an angel from where Kenma sat, the sun almost completely eclipsed by Akaashi’s hair that it glowed around him like halo. And to Kenma, already dying of thirst and heat, Akaashi who looked ephemerally divine with his messy hair and sweaty forehead, offering him a bottle of cold water to him, might as well be an angel._

_(And then there was also the fact that Kenma thought Akaashi was the most attractive man he had ever met.)_

_Akaashi took a seat next to him and Kenma started to panic._

_He was not equipped for situations that include being in a close proximity to the person that he had secretly been ogling for the past week. So yes, Kenma was panicking._

_And then Akaashi started talking, and he seemed so lost and deep in thought about the subject that he was talking about, and Kenma swore he saw red bloomed across his cheeks and crept up to the tip of his ears, and it was really endearing. Kenma couldn’t register a single word that came out of Akaashi’s mouth, when the other boy suddenly asked, “What is your type, Kenma?” And Kenma’s brain short-circuited._

_If Kuroo was there, he would have reminded Kenma to hydrate himself, gave him a bottle of cold Pocari Sweat and splash him with pipe water just to annoy him (and cool him off), and Kuroo would also keep him away from doing things that he will regret in the future._

_But Kuroo wasn’t there, so Kenma was exposed to multiple bad decisions._

_One of them being confessing to Akaashi under the sweltering heat of the sun._

_“I like you, Akaashi.”_

_It must have been the heat._

_“Uh… What?”_

_The_ goddamned _heat._

_Kenma only realized what he had said when Akaashi was sputtering around, panic evident on his face. If it wasn’t obvious before that Akaashi was a really good person who doesn’t want to make things awkward for others around him, it was now. His thoughtfulness was one of the many things that had drawn Kenma in and made him attracted to him, but in this situation said thoughtfulness is making him embarrassed._

_“As in… more than a friend? Uh-” Kenma is sure Akaashi does not know how to respond to that, and he felt bad for putting him in a spot like this. And of course it’s also really,_ really _, embarrassing and severely out of character of him to suddenly break into a confession out of nowhere. He had to do something, had to use his brain to get out of this situation--_

_“Sorry, Kozume-san, I... I have someone I like. I was asking because I was curious, and I think we were of the same personality and I wanted to know if-”_

_"It's a joke, Akaashi,” Kenma blurbed out, without a single idea in mind of where this conversation was leading to._

_“I- I have a boyfriend,"_

\--

Kenma knew this was what he would receive if he told Kuroo about the whole shenanigan.

It doesn’t make Kuroo laughing his ass off to Kenma’s pain and suffering any less annoying than it already was.

“Kenma! I can’t believe you did that,” Kuroo managed to catch up on his breath in between his ugly wheezing to poke fun at his friend. 

“Yeah, me neither.”

“That’s so-- I can’t even begin to explain how-- I’m sorry but--” 

Kuroo broke into his hideous laugh again, somehow managing to find joy in Kenma’s misery. He threw a pillow at the older man, deciding that he has had enough of it. 

“Okay when you’re done laughing can you please come help me sort it out?”

“How do you suggest I help you? Put up dating advertisements around my campus so you can find a temporary boyfriend?”

“No-- Kuro that’s ridiculous!” Kenma chucked another pillow Kuroo’s way, but this time he caught it with his hands. Annoying bastard. “The thing is-- Akaashi thinks it’s you.”

“Me?”

Kuroo stopped laughing and Kenma thought there was a flash of surprise on his face for a millisecond, before it was replaced by his usual cocksure grin. “Of course he would think you’re in love with me, how could you not?” There was something off with the way Kuroo said that, his usual confident bravado present, but there was a _shakiness_ that Kenma couldn’t discern. But he was too distracted by Kuroo’s annoying monologue of being too attractive for his own good to spend more thoughts on that.

“Ugh, forget it, I’ll just tell Akaashi everything--”

“Wait Kenma, you don’t have to.”

“What?” Kenma raised an eyebrow at him, who had gathered both of Kenma’s pillows onto his lap and hugged it like it was his. “You’re saying you want to be my--”

“Fake boyfriend! I can do that. I mean, if you really want to save face, I can help you with that.” Kenma stayed quiet for a moment, weighing in the options he had in his face. Sure, coming clean to Akaashi and admitting that he _does_ have an unrequited crush for him was really embarrassing, but pretending to date Kuroo… his best friend… 

“Wouldn’t it be weird?”

“We don’t have to do any couple-y things when Akaashi is not around. We just have to convince him enough times, and by Haruko we can call it quits. You probably wouldn’t see Akaashi ever again after that, and we only have to keep up with the lie until then,” Kuroo said, as if it was the most logical option they could go with. Well, considering Kenma’s original plan of faking his death and fleeing the country to live under a different alias-- it might have been more feasible. 

“The first part of the plan will be unlocked during inter-high prelims next week,” Kuroo says, imitating the way narrators in Kenma’s games would talk when starting a story quest. “I’ll just show up and stick with you the entire time, uh, maybe, hold your hands? If you don’t mind?”

Again, the uncertainty in Kuroo’s voice made itself present, and Kenma found that absurd. Kuroo and Kenma had been friends long enough that there were no limits or barriers to their physical interactions. Sure, holding hands was not really their thing, but Kenma is familiar enough with Kuroo’s touches, his warm hugs and a friendly arm slung around his shoulder. 

Although, perhaps hand-holding does sound like teetering into a different category that could be uncomfortable to some, but with Kuroo, Kenma thought, there was little he could do that would make Kenma uncomfortable. So he just raised his shoulders and agreed. “Sounds like a plan.”

For the record, Kenma thought it was a terrible idea but he went with it anyway. What’s the worst that could happen? 

“And you don’t have to come to our match if you don’t want to, Kuro.”

“Well,” the older boy shrugs, “Even if I’m not your fake boyfriend, I would still be going anyway.”

He stared at Kuroo, who was lying on the floor of Kenma’s messy bedroom. Kuroo may have graduated from Nekoma but his dedication and devotion to the team were still present, supporting the team the same way he supported Kenma.

Kenma smiled to himself, adding it into the list of the merits of Kuroo Tetsurou.

-

The Inter-High Qualifiers rolled around, and by the hands of god that likes to hand out Kenma really shitty luck, the boy was down with a cold just a day before preliminary rounds started. 

“Who catches a cold during summer?” Kuroo had joked, but Kenma knew he was worried, from the way he packed a whole mini pharmacy on him when he found out. He had tried to convince Kenma to sit this one out, but Kenma insisted that he plays, telling Kuroo that it’s just a normal summer cold. It might have seemed like something very out of character for him, insisting that he was kept on court despite not feeling very well, but Kenma knew his role as a captain and a setter to their team, knew that if he stepped out this early in a match it would not be good for the team morale.

They won their first round with a little too much effort than Kenma would be happy to expend, and by the beginning of their second round, Kenma was feeling a little light-headed. He knew he was pushing himself, forcing himself to stay on court like this, but Kenma has his own competitive streak that he will not ignore just because he was starting to see stars behind his eyes. 

And then he fainted.

The concept was laughable, really. Kenma _willingly_ working himself to the point of exhaustion that he collapsed from said exhaustion in the middle of a match? How uncharacteristically of him. 

But Nekoma was important to Kenma. It’s important to Kuroo, important enough for him to dedicate so much time for the team despite having graduated, so it was also really important to Kenma. 

The team had filled him in on what had happened when he woke up in the medical room. How he suddenly collapsed on the court after a quick set, how the whole gym stopped cheering and gasped collectively at the situation (which is _incredibly_ embarrassing and he hoped no one would recognize him as “the boy who fainted in a volleyball match” later), how Kuroo ran all the way down from the audience seats and even jumped over the dividers to get to where Kenma was-- and how he was chastised away by the referees because he was not allowed to be on court. 

At first Kenma was feeling shitty about the whole debacle, even more so when he learned that the team had lost, but finding out that Kuroo had gone to that extent just to check on him secretly made him feel better. It was very like Kuroo to make a fool out of himself if it’s for the people he cared about, and somehow, Kenma found it very endearing.

As his teammates started to file out of the room to give him space to rest, Kuroo tugs the sleeve of Kenma’s shirt, motioning for him to move close enough to Kuroo so he could bend down and whisper into his ear. 

“I think I make a very good boyfriend,” he said, and Kenma rolled his eyes. He studied his teammates’ backs, all of them ignorant to the states of affair that is Kuroo and Kenma’s (fake) relationship, before replying.

“Well then I hope Akaashi was watching.”

\--

Kenma found out the identity of the person that Akaashi was crushing on not long after the Inter-High. 

He was at Kuroo’s university, for a cultural festival that Kuroo was participating in, given that it was compulsory for the first years to be a part of the festival. Kenma had only expected the basics: a large crowd, really loud noises from performing bands, and college students in weird get-ups.

He did not expect to see Akaashi Keiji at Kuroo’s university cultural festival.

Kenma was aware that Fukurodani Academy was only a few train stations away from Kuroo’s university, closer to it than Nekoma High was, and Kuroo did mention in his text that they were going to move further with their plan to Phase 2 earlier than expected, but he didn’t expect it to be this early!

He was rooted to the spot at the sight of Akaashi laughing so openly, his hair looking extra nice, almost like he styled it, and even his clothes looked extra nice too. 

God, Akaashi is too pretty, too beautiful for his poor, gay, heart.

Kenma was wondering how Kuroo got Akaashi to come to this festival in the first place when he saw the person standing next to Akaashi. 

And then it clicked.

 _Bokuto-san_.

Akaashi was laughing at whatever Bokuto had said to Kuroo that made him make an exasperated face, and his smile, although small, was out in the open for Bokuto. _Bokuto is the person Akaashi likes,_ his mind quipped.

 _Of course_.

Kenma never had the slightest chance.

Swallowing the bitter feeling rising up from his gut, Kenma took a few more extra seconds to construct a not-too-awkward greeting in his head, reminding himself to be a little touchier with Kuroo than usual, before commanding his legs to move to their direction.

When Kuroo spotted him walking towards his booth, Kenma shot him a dirty glare, vexed by the fact that Kuroo did not mention any of this beforehand, and the bastard just smirked at him. Kuroo knew that telling Kenma would result in a no-show on his behalf, and he knew what he was doing. _Annoying, sly bastard._

“Hey,” he greeted Kuroo, minutely debating in his head whether it would be too much PDA to hug his “boyfriend” in the middle of a crowded area or not, before letting go of any reins he had on rationality and pushed himself on his tippy toes to plant a kiss on Kuroo’s cheek. Kenma glanced up, worried that the older man would find it weird, but Kuroo had looked pleased, snaking an arm around his waist to press themselves together by the side. 

Bokuto looked scandalized, but Akaashi was smiling, and Kenma mentally patted himself on the back for the good job of keeping his composure the whole time.

“Kenma… I couldn’t believe you’re actually dating this guy.”

“Oi Bokuto! What was that supposed to mean?”

Kenma just laughed it off, and let Kuroo do the talking, explaining to the pair that while they were dating, they’re still keeping it to themselves and would appreciate it if it was kept that way. They both didn’t want to let a lot of people in on their fake relationship, decided against involving too many people in this lie, but given how close Bokuto is to Akaashi, aka the person they were trying to fool, it’s inevitable that the man would have to know about them “dating”. 

Bokuto and Akaashi then excused themselves, opting to walk around the university together to check what the festival had to offer and left them before Kenma could even say his goodbye.

A head peeked out of the stall sign, looking at Kuroo with an incredulous stare. 

“Oi, Kuroo, you’re taking your break now?”

“Yeah, my friend is here. I’ll be back in an hour.”

“Your friend?” The head stepped aside, now materializing her full body, and stared at Kenma with a grin on her face. “Hi! I’m Sato Haruhi, Kuroo’s classmate. We’re also in the same department,” the girl introduced herself. She was pretty, with long, black hair up in a ponytail and an outfit that matched the _happi_ coat Kuroo was wearing.

“Hi. Kozume Kenma. Um, you can call me Kenma.”

“I know! Kuroo has told me a lot about you,” Haru grinned, landing a light punch on Kuroo’s shoulder. Somehow the gesture did not sit right with Kenma. It felt a little too familiar for someone who had only known Kuroo for a few months, but he let it slide. Not even his place to be concerned about it, anyway.

“Well, we’ll go now, bye Haru.”

Kuroo messed with Haru’s hair, ruffling it as he greeted her goodbye. 

Kenma left for home that day with unexplainable emotions, ones he could only chalk down to jealousy seeing Kuroo having new friends while Kenma isn’t around. He mentally berated himself, scolding his own brain and reminding it that he was too old for this whole… friendship jealousy.

(The real reason behind those emotions were actually simpler than what Kenma made it out to be, but he did not know that yet.)

\--

Haru watched Kuroo flit around his room, grabbing things here and there and stuffing it inside his backpack, ready for a weekend visit. The girl stared incredulously at the speed of his friend, wanting to catch the earliest train back to Nerima so he can make it in time for Kenma’s first practice match as a captain. Kenma had said that it’s really not that big of a deal, considering Kenma already had an _actual,_ official match as the captain of Nekoma, but Kuroo knew Kenma knew that it’s only an excuse to come see him and the team again.

“Don’t forget your toothbrush, Tetsu.”

She commented, earning an eye roll from Kuroo. “I’m going back to my own house, I don’t need to pack a toothbrush.”

“You sure you’re going back to _your own_ house?”

“What was that supposed to mean?”

“I mean,” the girl started, flopping herself on Kuroo’s bed. “You know it _is_ a little suspicious.”

“What is?” Kuroo asked, not looking up from his task of organizing his study table. He may not be the cleanest person one could meet, but he doesn’t like leaving his space untidy when he’s away. 

“That when you talk about him to me, you were referring to a best friend.”

“And?”

“But, I overheard him speaking to your other friends the other day, and _he_ was referring to you as a _boyfriend_.” Kuroo froze, his heart stuttering at the thought of Kenma referring to him as his boyfriend. Well, they were technically supposed to be boyfriends in the eye of the public, but according to the plan, it was only ever going to be in front of Akaashi. And Akaashi was a very proper guy, knows what type of things you just don’t mention openly, so it never occurred to Kuroo that he would hear someone refer to him as Kenma’s booyfriend.

“Its…” Kuroo heaved a sigh. “It’s complicated.”

“What is? You guys are faking it right? In front of your friends?”

Curse the instinct of a woman.

“Yeah but, the reason behind that is-”

“Well, I don’t really care about the reason, to be honest. What I care about is why are you agreeing to this when you-” Haru stopped herself in her words, not knowing what to say exactly. She could see that Kuroo thought of Kenma a little more highly than just friends, but what she’s unsure of was if Kuroo himself was aware of this or not. And she didn’t want to be the one to break it to him, figured that maybe he should realize this by himself, so she just said “Well, this could not end well.” 

Kuroo sat on the bed, careful not to accidentally sit on his friend. “This is fine, nothing would change. Nothing much.”

Haru glanced at the man from her periphery.

 _So he_ is _aware_.

Standing up slowly, she walked over to stand in front of Kuroo and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Kuroo looked up, fully expecting the girl to say something encouraging from the look in her face. Did not expect the next few words to come out of her mouth instead.

“You’re so gone, dude. Like, a fucking _sap_. Couldn’t be me,” 

“Oi! What was that supposed to mean?!” Kuroo swatted her hands away as Haru laughed. “Whatever you want it to be! Have fun moping about the love of your life!” The girl cackled as she scuttered to the door and disappeared before Kuroo could throw a pillow at her.

_Love of his life, huh._

\--

Kenma did not think of himself as someone who gets jealous over the thought of his best friend finding a new friend that could possibly steal his spot of being Kuroo’s favourite person to whine to, but there was always a first in everything.

Heck, Kenma didn’t even realize that he did not want to give up the spot of being Kuroo’s test subject for his corny jokes until today.

Kuroo had made it just in time to watch the last set of the practice match between Nekoma High and a neighboring school in the ward, rushing to explain that he got sidetracked because of a friend, and even though Kenma didn’t care that he was late, he _was_ a bit bothered, knowing that said friend is that girl he met during the cultural festival.

Had hanging out with her been so much fun that Kuroo lost track of time and got himself late? Kenma almost sulked at the thought.

The boy balked at himself mentally, wanting to reprimand his own brain for conjuring such a weird reaction to Kuroo hanging out with his friend. He was about to lecture his brain again about the whole friendship jealousy situation when he felt an arm grabbing around his shoulder and stopping him in his tracks, a phone suddenly thrusted in front of his face.

“What are you doing,” he says, pulling up a face and scrunching his nose at being photographed without his permission. “I’m sending this to Bo, and he’ll send this to Akaashi, 100% sure. You look really cute here, look.”

He ignored the little giddiness that surged up momentarily at Kuroo’s praise, something he had grown used to doing over the years.

“Oh, so we’re doing this when they’re not here too?”

“It doesn’t hurt to be extra vigilant,” he said, a grin on his face after successfully sending the photo to his friend. 

“You know, sometimes I think me and Bokuto are your only friends.”

Not true. Kenma thinks about Kuroo’s _other_ friend a lot, more times than he would like to admit.

“Funny you say that, because Haru said the same thing about me.”

The sudden mention of the object of his annoyance almost made Kenma click his tongue, but he did not want Kuroo to know that Kenma was jealous of him having a new friend he seemed to be close with. Not only do Kenma think it’s petty of him to even feel that way in the first place, he also does not want to be the subject of Kuroo’s endless teasing if he finds out.

“She was all like, ‘But Tetsu, you’re a college student, why are you spending your weekends at your dad’s house’ and stuff, because I won’t come with her to mixers on the weekends.”

“She calls you Tetsu?”

There was a sharp distaste in Kenma’s tone that surprised even himself, but Kuroo didn’t seem to catch on to it, as he started talking more about Haru. From Kuroo’s many stories of his shenanigans with this particular classmate, she sounds like a really nice person. Apparently she saved his ass a million times before, which lead to their close friendship despite only knowing each other for a short while.

A sense of unease started to make its presence known, nagging at the back of his head. The feeling of slowly being replaced by someone else started to fester in his heart, snarling at the thought of someone else standing by Kuroo’s side.

Maybe this ugly feeling was more than just friendship jealousy after all.

\--

_Squeak. Thump. Wham._

Spring rolled around faster than Kenma thought, and it ended just as fast.

He stood there on the court, feet glued to where he was, couldn’t find it in him to move to his teammates. The other side of the net was celebrating, probably, he could hear the cheers from their supporters, but nothing was registering in Kenma’s head. 

Just like this, it’s over. 

He knew there was no chance that he would continue playing volleyball after high school, aware of his own physical limits and passion for the sport compared to others. This would be the last time he will ever stand on a volleyball court ever again. His last toss to Lev was the last ball he ever had to put up. He should feel relieved, really. It’s unlike him to be attached to a sport. 

But when he turned to the bleachers, eyes scanning for Kuroo, subconsciously looking for him as if his body knew what his mind and heart needed at the moment, he realized that he never wants to stop. This was a part of him now. All these painful, tiring moments, they’re all a part of what made Kenma the person he is. 

And he had to say goodbye to it now. 

What else does he need to say goodbye to next?

Kenma felt like he was in a daze, right after waking up from a really good dream and now he has to deal with it all being just a dream, now having to face reality. He spotted Kuroo making his way down from the seat, and he would have ran off to him if it wasn’t for Shibayama, handing him a towel and a bottle of water. He seemed to understand how Kenma is feeling right now from the look on his face.

“You never realize what you have until it’s gone, huh?”

Kenma turned to look at him. 

“Ah, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep, Kenma-san. For now, let’s go line up first, they’re waiting for us,” the smaller boy said, gesturing to the rest of the team already lined up with their coach. 

Walking back to the team, Kenma mulled on Shibayama’s words. Kenma is sure he had been talking about volleyball, but somehow, at that moment, when his eyes were still glancing to where he thought Kuroo would be, he thought that maybe Shibayama knew of the storm brewing in his heart.

Even as they lined up and said their thanks to their supporters, Kenma couldn’t get a word out. There was a heavy tugging in his heart, and Kenma doesn’t think it’s solely because they lost. He was not Hinata who cared that much about volleyball, his passion did not run as deep as the rest of the idiots in his team does. But what is this bitterness growing in his heart? He couldn’t put a finger to what he’s feeling and it’s making him anxious.

He didn’t realize he was walking towards where Kuroo was, body moving on his own as the other man waited at the edge of the bleachers. Most of their supporters as well as the team have filed out, making way for the next match in schedule, but all Kenma thought about was getting to Kuroo.

There was a steel barrier between them, cutting cold into Kenma’s stomach as he lunged forward to hug Kuroo, but he didn’t care. Kuroo’s hug, as were the rest of his touches, ground him. Kept him safe and stable from his own emotions, and Kenma thanked all the gods he could think of that Kuroo was by his side.

There were probably tears in his eyes, and Kenma didn’t understand why he was feeling this way. 

(Or why he had subconsciously sought Kuroo out to feel at ease again.)

He was as confused as he was upset, and he appreciated that Kuroo lets him stay in his arms to calm his nerves down for a few minutes before he has to leave. “Kenma,” Kuroo’s soft voice nudged him, as his hands gently pulled him away, holding him by the shoulder and looking into his eyes. “You have to go back to the team first. I’ll meet you outside okay?”

Reluctantly, the smaller boy released his grip on Kuroo’s clothes and nods, heading to the bench where everyone was cleaning up after themselves and preparing to leave the gym. 

Kenma was walking on his own, lagging behind a little from the group, not noticing that Kuroo was catching up on him until he felt a little tug on his wrist. He already knew who it was before turning around, _Kuroo_. “You okay, Ken?” The older man’s voice was as gentle as his hold on Kenma’s wrist, and Kenma felt like he could fall onto Kuroo for a second hug right there and then, but there were too many people now, and Kenma was a little more clear headed than before, thus more aware on the many eyes that would definitely stare if he makes such a commotion now. 

He didn’t answer Kuroo, only shuffled closer to him to get a semblance of comfort and warmth. Spring was almost ending and it brought along the cold with it. 

Thankfully, Kuroo got the message — as he always does, and jogged to catch up with the rest of Nekoma before patting Yamamoto on the shoulder.

“Hey, Yamamoto. I’ll take Kenma back to the inn with me, you guys should go on ahead,” Kuroo says, already informed of the team dinner the coach planned to have. Kenma was in no state to be around others right now, Kuroo thought.

“Okay,” and then he turned at Kenma. “Don’t be down for too long, buddy.” Fukunaga who was walking next to him turns around too and gives him a salute. Kenma smiled, grateful for the friends that he found in Yamamoto and Nekoma. Who would have known that they would grow to be such close friends, arguably the two most important friends after Kuroo, and Shoyo, of course. 

Speaking of Shoyo, their match was at the same time as Nekoma’s, a few courts away from theirs, and Kenma recalled it to be against Inarizaki again, a re-match from last year’s Harukou. He felt a little bad about leaving without meeting or telling Shoyo first, but since they were staying in the same inn, he could just catch up with him later, when he wasn’t too deep in his thoughts and breaking down over them. 

The two of them walked in silence, Kenma following Kuroo’s steps. Looking back now, Kuroo is way taller than Kenma, which means his stride was probably longer, but Kenma had never had any problem catching up to Kuroo, even when he’s being extra listless and walks slower than usual to reserve his energy. A small smile crept onto his face. _Another thing to add in Kuroo’s merits, then_. 

“Hm? So the smile had finally made its appearance.”

“Shut up, I was thinking about something,” Kenma said, averting his face away from Kuroo so he wouldn’t catch his blush. It’s embarrassing enough to be caught smiling by Kuroo, even more so if he knows that _he_ was the reason behind Kenma’s smile. “Where are you taking me?” Kenma asked, trying to change the subject. 

“We could get some snacks at the _konbini_ before going back to the inn. I know you don’t feel like eating now but I’ll buy you an apple pie, okay? You don’t have to eat anything else.”

Kenma rolled his eyes, bumping his shoulder into Kuroo as hard as his energy level could allow him to at the moment. “You don’t have to baby me, Kuro. I’ll eat, I am a little hungry now,” Kenma said, and Kuroo faked a sharp gasp, turning to look at Kenma in an overexaggerated surprise. “What is this? THE Kozume Kenma is not in the mood to even talk about his games but is willing to eat without having to be forced?” 

Kenma might be really grateful for having Kuroo as his best friend, even more grateful that he is by his side now when he’s having such an awful time, but at that moment, he felt like he could muster enough strength to punch the annoying man square on his jaw. Instead, he settles with just telling Kuroo he’s annoying, and the older man laughed, easy and carefree into the cold spring air. 

_That’s nice_ , Kenma thought, _Kuro’s laugh is really nice_. 

The _konbini_ they went to was empty when they came. It had tables and chairs set up right outside of it as well as a long table lined against one side of the glass window. Kuroo told him to take a seat inside as it was getting colder for them to be eating outside when they don’t have more layers on. A few minutes later he came back with a plastic of onigiris, a hot pocket of apple pie and _anpan_ , and two banana milks in hand. 

“You still drink banana milk?” Kuroo slid one across the table to Kenma, and gave the younger man his, thankfully, _warmed_ , apple pie. “You’re the only person I know who _still_ drinks banana milk, Kuro.” 

“Hey! I’ll have you know that this drink is _revolutionary_ and far ahead of its time,” he countered, with an annoying grin on his face. Kenma rolled his eyes again. Being with Kuroo really does make him exercise his eye muscles a lot more. 

“So, do you want to tell me what was all that about?”

Kenma stared at his milk and let the silence engulf them for a while. 

“I’m scared, Kuro.” He started, slowly looking up to his best friend’s face. “I’m scared of things changing. It already changed so much when you graduated-- I have to be the captain, and managing the team as well as the first years are so hard, I don’t know how you did it. And now it ended, just like that,” Kenma said. It was hard, to accept that one of the few things that had been a constant in his life was now going to be a thing in Kenma’s past. Change was happening so fast around Kenma, and it overwhelmed him. 

“And,” he paused. 

_And it’s so much harder when you’re not with me_. 

He stilled at the thought that came to him. Should he tell Kuroo that? Would that make him sound dependent and needy? Would Kuroo think of him as too clingy and a hassle? His mental debate must have been obvious on his face, that Kuroo reached a hand out and rested it on Kenma’s knee in encouragement.

“And I’m also scared of you leaving me.”

“What?”

Kuroo’s voice was small, soft enough that only Kenma could hear them, but it was filled with a really loud emotion, mainly disbelief that Kenma could ever think of that from him. 

“I mean, you don’t seem to have any problem making friends. Makes me think that--”

Kenma couldn’t finish his sentence, but he didn’t have to. Kuroo’s hands moved from his knees to grip his shoulders, making Kenma look at him in the eye.

“Listen, you are _not_ replaceable. Don’t ever think that, okay? You are very, _very_ , important to me, Kenma.”

The earnesty in his voice made the younger boy look up, searching for the smallest trace of lie in Kuroo’s eyes, and feeling something shift in his heart when he couldn’t find any. Of course that would be the case, this is Kuroo Tetsurou, his best friend of 10 years. Kuroo will never lie to him, never break his promise. 

“I’m sorry. For insinuating that. I guess I just got jealous of seeing you with Haru. Figured that you would think I’m too boring for you now,” he said, looking down on his lap.

“I can never think that of you, Kenma,” came Kuroo’s voice, and he had spoken with a gentleness that was not new to him, but had taken Kenma by surprise anyway. His words prodded him to lift his head up, and there he was, merely inches away from his face. Kenma was suddenly permeated with a sense of longing as he stared at Kuroo’s face, pretending his stomach didn’t flip when he noticed Kuroo’s eyes glanced down at his lips. Slowly, they leaned into each other’s spaces, as if drunk on a gravitational pull that pulled themselves to each other, and Kenma swore they were just a breath’s width away from their lips touching--

_Knock. Knock._

The clink of the glass wall being knocked pulled them both out of the trance, and Kenma immediately realized where they were right now and turned his body away. 

There was a little kid plastered on the other side of the wall, squishing his nose against it as he knocked the wall relentlessly to annoy the patrons of the _konbini_. Kenma heard Kuroo chuckle at the boy being dragged away by his parents, who profusely bow in apology as they chastised their son.

And then they went home and never talked about it again. 

\--

_kuro_  
_bokuto’s debut match tomorrow_  
_you coming?_  
_akaashi will be there too_

_kenma_  
_free tix?_

_kuro_  
_of course_  
_bo’s treating dinner afterwards_

_kenma_  
_count me in_

_kuro_  
_do u want to match clothes?_

_kenma_  
_??_

_kuro_  
_idk like_  
_couple look?_

_kenma_  
_...._  
  


_kuro_  
_nvm forget it_  
_haha_

_kenma_  
_…_  
_im wearing my flannel hoodie tmr_

_kuro_  
_the dark green one?_

_kenma_  
_yeah_

_kuro_  
_ok_  
_i’ll match_  
_see u tomorrow, 6pm_

_kenma_  
_see u_

\--

Bokuto’s debut match was one of the most anticipated one this year, kick-starting the season with one hell of a lineup, featuring one of the top high school aces in Japan, Bokuto himself. The biting cold of autumn shifting into winter not deterring the excitement of it at all, judging by the amount of spectators crowding the arena tonight. Kenma was with Akaashi, the latter had waited for him at the subway station so they could head to the arena together while Kuroo was waiting for the two of them by the entrance.

When they saw Kuroo, the man was shivering from the cold, sporting only a pair of jeans and a green pullover hoodie to match Kenma’s, as opposed to the younger pair who had layered themselves in scarves and jackets. Truth be told, it was an adorable sight, the tall man hunching over himself to protect his body from the cold. When he got to Kuroo, Kenma wasted no time unwrapping his own scarf from around his neck to wind it around Kuroo before sliding his hands down to have his freezing hands in his, surprising himself with how natural his movements were, not having to second-guess when it came to caring for the older man. 

“You’re the best, Kenma,” Kuroo said, and Kenma can’t help but notice the red spreading from his cheeks to the tips of his ears, wondering if the blush was from the cold gust of wind blowing into their faces or if it’s caused by his previous gestures. Kenma hoped it’s the latter.

_W_ _ait, that’s a weird thought--_

“We should go in,” Akaashi’s calm voice interrupted Kenma’s train of thought, putting it on hold. Kenma felt a tug on his hand, Kuroo pulling him to walk behind him as they navigated amongst the masses inside the arena, and tried not to focus too much on the warmth spreading all over his body from where his hands were connected to Kuroo’s.

Bokuto’s team won the match with a great deal of fanfare, everyone present struck and infected with the energy of the star. Kenma is amazed at how much energy he has left after playing a full 5 set match, enough to keep the audience hyped in his own celebration of victory. Glancing at Akaashi from his periphery, Kenma saw the most emotions he had ever seen on Akaashi’s face, ranging from pride to disbelief to fondness. All of a sudden he looked down, eyes focusing on his lap instead of his surrounding, realizing again, _how could he ever compete with Bokuto Koutarou._

A hand inched its way close to Kenma, silently intertwining its fingers amongst Kenma’s own. _Kuroo_ , his mind supplied. He must have noticed that the person Akaashi likes was Bokuto, too, but really, who else could it be? He felt a light squeeze to his hand-- Kuroo’s way of showing support, reminding him that he’s here, he’s right by his side. He must have caught onto the way Kenma had been staring at Akaashi staring at Bokuto and got worried over what might transpire in Kenma’s often self-deprecating brain. Squeezing back his hand in silent reassurance that he was fine, Kenma felt a small smile creep onto his face. He’s glad that he got Kuroo by his side. 

And Kuroo’s hand was really, _really_ warm in his.

\-- 

They waited for Bokuto right outside of the hall, the biting chill of an autumn night creeping inside the arena when the automated door slid open and closed. Kenma was rubbing his hands together and burying it deep in the pocket of his jacket, when he felt a soft fabric being placed around his neck, wrapped and tied neatly at the back, courtesy of his fake boyfriend. His nose caught the scent of Kuroo’s cologne, the soft, toned-down sandalwood mixing with the faint smell of lavender from the fabric of Kenma’s scarf. Usually he distastes the floral scent on his clothes, courtesy of his mother drowning them in detergent and fabric cologne while complaining how it reeks of sweat. But when the gentle lavender notes from home were interlaced with Kuroo’s own scent unique to him, a corner of Kenma’s heart basked in the familiarity of it all, of feeling truly at home with just a piece of fabric. He didn’t realize how content he was being engulfed in Kuroo’s scent when he accidentally, without thinking, blurted out:

“It smells like you.”

As soon as the words left his mouth he started to panic, whipping his head up to look at Kuroo’s reaction. He worried that Kuroo would find that too weird even for their arrangement, and heaved a sigh of relief when there wasn’t any discomfort or disgust on the older man’s face, just a delighted wonder. And again, the blush from before made its appearance again, beautifully decorating Kuroo’s cheeks with tints of rose across the skin. Unbeknownst to himself, Kenma was starting to get addicted with how pretty the blush looks on the older man. Seeing Kuroo blush was a rare occurrence, and knowing that his actions were the reason behind it makes the moments all the more endearing to him, wanting to elicit more such reactions from the older man.

Their moment was cut short with the arrival of one Bokuto Koutarou, immediately attaching himself to Akaashi. “I’m glad you’re here now, Bokuto-san. I didn’t know what to do the whole time they were flirting with each other.”

Akaashi’s comment got Kenma’s cheeks heating up, had it really looked like that? He wasn’t intending to _flirt_ right in front of Akaashi, but oh well, it works in his favor in cementing their fake relationship agenda so Kenma didn’t feel too perturbed by it.

They went to a curry place near the arena, Bokuto whining about wanting a hot, fresh serving of tonkatsu curry since the night has gone colder. Him and Kuroo started talking about the V. League teams and future prospects of Bokuto’s team, and if they were going to go scout new players from Haruko, Akaashi giving his own commentary from time to time to who he thought might be scouted right out of high school like Bokuto did. He was still holding Kenma’s hand in his, placing it comfortably on his lap as he chatted away with Bokuto and Akaashi. Kenma didn’t really know who they were talking about, and just opted to stare at Kuroo’s side profile from where he was seated. 

Kuroo had always been handsome, Kenma was aware of this fact since the older man got his growth spurt around the time they entered middle school, and people started flocking around him like moths attracted to light. His confidence grew as far as his physical features do, but beneath all the charm and bravado, Kuroo still has remnants of his introverted 8 year old self Kenma had met all those years ago. Kenma can still pinpoint the little details of his face that reminds him of this.

Like the slightly off-kilter crook of his nose, because he got it broken trying to fight a bunch of older kids when they had started picking on him and Kenma. Or the small knot of his lips, curling into a shy smile at a genuine compliment from people he considers important to him. And his gentle eyes, of which an opponent from the other side of the net wouldn’t call it gentle -- sharp, intimidating, maybe, but not _gentle_. But they haven’t seen Kuroo the way Kenma sees him, and Kenma wonders if they had, would they have fallen in love with him?

Kenma found himself unable to tear his eyes away from Kuroo. And somehow, even with Akaashi right in front of him, his thoughts didn’t wander to the boy, but instead to his fake boyfriend.

 _Boyfriend_. Hm.

Kuroo would make a really good boyfriend.

(He wondered what it’s like, having Kuroo as his _real_ boyfriend.)

When their orders arrived, the conversation ceased, and Kenma got Kuroo’s attention on him again. 

“You good? You’ve been quiet.”

“Yeah, I just don’t know what to say. I don’t really know the people you’re talking about,” Kenma admitted. He felt Kuroo’s hand tucking a strand of loose hair to the back of his ear, his face impossibly close to Kenma, chuckling, and then whispering “Okay,” to his ear. Kenma was glad Kuroo pulled away immediately and started eating, because his heart is starting to act up right at that moment, beating very loudly in ten different ways. 

For the first time that night, he had been the one blushing and rendered speechless by Kuroo’s action.

\--

Kenma knew that pursuing a fake relationship with Kuroo was a bad idea, but he didn’t know to what extent of a bad idea would it be. What started out with convincing only Akaashi that they were lovers in front of Akaashi had now become pretending in front of his whole volleyball team including their coach. Kenma cursed his luck, and his teammates. Specifically, his one tall idiot of a junior that Kenma wanted nothing more in life than to suffocate him with his charging cord. 

Apparently, Bokuto took a snap of them together during dinner the other night and accidentally uploaded it privately to his close friends’ list instead of sending it to Kuroo. And Yaku-san, who was one of the friends in his list, saw it and became curious of when that had happened, and instead of messaging Kuroo, he texted Lev about it.

Of course.

And Lev, being _Lev_ , instead of texting Kenma, had sent the snap to the group chat with one too many exclamation points.

And that was how Kenma found himself sandwiched between Coach Nekomata and Kuroo in a sukiyaki place, being perceived by the rest of his teammates as they ate dinner together courtesy of their coach. The dinner had been planned way before any of them found out about him and Kuroo, a little appreciation gift from the coach for the team for the past year, but after being let in on Kuroo and Kenma’s relationship, Nekomata insisted for Kuroo to be invited to the dinner as well.

Kenma wasn’t faring well under all the stares he was getting, growing more and more restless by the minute, when, thankfully, Kuroo interjected. 

“Would you guys stop staring at us already, you guys know you’re making Kenma uncomfortable, right?” 

And like magic, the tension dissipated as the other boys immediately looked away, embarrassed at being chastised by Kuroo. Kenma pretended that his heart didn’t waver at the genuine concern in Kuroo’s voice. “Sorry, Kuroo-san. Was just curious,” came Yamamoto’s voice. “But I guess it’s no wonder that you always come to see us at practice,” he said. Kenma looked at Kuroo, wondering what would be his answer to this.

“Well yeah, I visit because I worry for Kenma a lot and of course as his boyfriend I’d want to check on him,” Kuroo said, ignoring the way the whole team had looked scandalized at his casual use of the word ‘boyfriend’. “But it’s also because I want to check on you guys as well, see how far you grew, look at how strong you guys have gotten. Even though I’m not your captain anymore, Nekoma is still my pride and joy, you know?”

There was a resounding silence around the table before it was broken with a sob out of Yamamoto’s mouth. “That’s so heckin’ sweet, Kuroo-san, I think I’m going to cry.”

“You’re already crying, Taketora-san!” Lev shouted from his side of the table, and thus began the screamfest, the boys rowdy as usual as Coach Nekomata watched them with a content grin on his face. Kuroo rose from his seat to give Lev an earful while lecturing Yamamoto right at the same time, and Kenma felt a tug to his heart as he watched Kuroo’s interaction with his troublesome juniors.

 _It’s probably the nostalgia_ , Kenma convinced himself.

“Kenma,” the coach’s soft voice called out to him, and the boy turned his head to meet Nekomata’s knowing gaze. “Take good care of Tetsurou. I’m happy for the two of you.” 

For a moment, Kenma forgot that this was all a lie. Forgot that this display of love in front of their teammates was one of the pretense they had orchestrated to fool them. For a moment, Kenma had watched Kuroo raptly, memorized the sound of Kuroo’s laughter as he fooled around with Yamamoto, and carved it into his mind, listing it as one of the things Kozume Kenma has to protect.

“Yes, I would,” came Kenma’s reply.

It wasn’t until Kuroo returned to his side, a gentle hand rubbing circles into Kenma’s knees before he snapped out of it and reminded himself, bitterly, that this was _not_ real.

\--

“That had been something,” Kuroo murmured into the night. His head was tilted upwards, staring at the starless Tokyo sky as he recalled the reactions of his former teammates to their relationship earlier. Kenma hummed, agreeing, but added no extra comments of his own. He had been too absorbed in his thoughts, thinking back to what Nekomata had told him, and how genuine he was answering him, how ready Kenma was at that moment to do anything in his power to take care of Kuroo.

He watched Kuroo talk, sighing into the sky about how much he had missed the team, how he was starting to think that he was one of those people who peaked in high school and how he didn’t want to go back to his apartment tomorrow where he would be all lonely again. Kenma thought he could listen to Kuroo talk all day. Well, technically, he _had_ been listening to Kuroo talk his ears off all his life, but Kenma found himself not minding it if Kuroo never shut up around him. His voice was really nice to his ears, anyway.

“Kenma?”

He was so rapt in observing Kuroo and the way Kuroo’s lips moved, wetting it with his tongue sometimes when he deemed it dry, that he didn’t notice they were only a few steps away from his house now.

He didn’t want this night to end. Didn’t want to let Kuroo go just yet.

And his face was really close to him. Really, just a few inches away and Kenma could feel the warmth of Kuroo’s skin on his face. “Kuro,” Kenma said, the only form of warning before he took the older man’s face in his hands and pulled it close, planting a kiss on the corner of Kuroo’s lips.

He kissed him.

Shit, he _kissed_ Kuroo.

As if suddenly snapped out of a trance, Kenma let go of Kuroo’s face, hands falling limp on his side as the realization of what just happened dawned on him. What the hell did he just do? From Kuroo’s reactions, Kenma definitely had fucked up, panicking internally as he racked his brain trying to come up with a good excuse as to why he had suddenly kissed his best friend. Maybe this is where he should apologize?

Kuroo, horrified, looked like he was going to say something, but Kenma cut him to the chaste. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. Um, goodnight.”

With hurried steps Kenma made his way in, leaving behind a confused and upset Kuroo.

\-- 

They didn’t talk about the kiss, navigating around the other as if it had never happened, the thought of discussing it not even an option. Well, at least for Kuroo, Kenma thinks. He had been dying to talk about it but was unsure if there was a way he could do it without weirding Kuroo out, since it seems like the older man is content with just forgetting what had happened in the first place. Kenma was not entirely sure how to feel about Kuroo not wanting to press on about it. On one hand he was grateful about it, on the other he just wanted to clear things up. 

That little incident didn’t make him feel any less comfortable with Kuroo, though, just a little red in the face when they brushed hands and sat too close to each other, shoulder to shoulder. Kenma knew he’s getting hyper aware of the man’s every action now, and at that point he did not know if they were still keeping up the act of being boyfriends, or if this was a territory that was exclusive to them.

They were supposed to stop the charade a few months ago, but here they still were.

Everything was uneventful, and Kenma let himself be pulled with the pretense that everything was fine, silently watching Kuroo study from where he was lying on his bed. He’s been hanging out at Kuroo’s apartment more and more often lately, visiting him on the weekends that Kuroo couldn’t visit home. And then his phone pinged with a notification -- a text from Akaashi.

Asking to meet with him.

_akaashi_  
_kenma, are you at kuroo-san’s?_

_kenma_  
_yeah. why?_

_akaashi_  
_can we meet?_

Kenma stared at his phone like it just grew an arm and a tail. Akaashi wanted to see him? He didn’t even specify why, but Kenma could tell it’s about Bokuto. Glancing at the clock and deciding that he could make their conversation fast enough so he could be back to have dinner with Kuroo, Kenma pocketed his phone and touched the older man gently on the shoulder.

“Uh, hey, Kuro. Akaashi wants to see me. I’ll be back by dinner.”

Kenma didn’t wait long enough to listen to Kuroo’s response, not wanting to make Akaashi wait and disappear through the door. 

\--

“Kenma,” his friend greeted when Kenma’s familiar blonde head popped in the coffee shop they had agreed to meet at. “I haven’t ordered anything yet, what do you want to drink?”

“I’m fine.” Kenma did not intend on staying for too long, not wanting to eat anything lest it ruined his appetite for dinner later. Akaashi nodded and slid off of the seat to order his drink. The man came back later with a mug of warm chocolate mocha and a tall glass of water for Kenma. 

_Ever so thoughtful_ , Kenma had thought.

Akaashi started talking, explaining about the mess he got himself into that had made him seek Kenma’s help.

“I like Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said, and while Kenma was already aware of this from how Akaashi acted around the older man -- seriously, did he think he was hiding it or something? -- he just nodded and urged him to continue. “And I-- We were-- we got lunch together. Just now. And he started talking about this female sports journalist who had asked for his number, and I think, I freaked out.”

There was a heavy look of regret casted over Akaashi’s face, and he bit his lips before continuing. “I told him I like him.”

Kenma’s eyes widen, not expecting such a show of bravery from Akaashi. It’s not that he thought of Akaashi as a wimp or anything, it’s just that he knew enough about his personality to know that it must have taken everything in him to confess to Bokuto. Akaashi had seemed like someone who was content with just watching from afar, and staying by Bokuto’s side, that Kenma didn’t think he would have the courage to confess.

“And? What did he say?”

“He didn’t… didn’t say-- He just stood there for a while.” Kenma can see the downturn of Akaashi’s lips at the memory, feeling a bit guilty for asking that now. “And then he said he didn’t know how to respond. He wanted me to give him time… to think about it. But he was so nice even then,” a smile graced his face, and Kenma felt like he should look away, as if the smile wasn’t meant for his eyes. “He even walked me back to the station.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“I don’t think Bokuto-san being nice to me means anything at all, Kenma. He is nice to everyone.”

“Sure he is, but… everyone can tell that he is attached to you, Akaashi.”

Kenma could see the hesitation in his friend’s eyes, and pressed on further. “I think you should just wait for his answer, and don’t be too worried about it.” Kenma says, genuinely meaning every word that he said. While he had seen how obviously awestruck Akaashi was with Bokuto from how he looked at him, he also did not miss the way Bokuto treats Akaashi. Sure, Bokuto was nice to everyone, but even Kenma noticed Bokuto’s unique gentleness when it came to the Fukurodani setter. It’s not unlike Kuroo’s own gentleness with him, too.

It was almost 9pm when Kenma reached Kuroo’s apartment. The talk ended up longer than he had expected. Who knew Akaashi needed so much to convince him that there was, indeed, the possibility of someone, specifically Bokuto, liking him back. 

He was about to text Kuroo that he got takeout from the ramen joint near his place, when his phone lit up with a text from Kuroo.

 _kuro_ _  
_ _hey im a little tired, turning in early for the night_ _  
_ _i put the key under the flowerpot, as usual_ _  
_ _be careful on ur way back_

Kenma frowned. Had Kuroo really been so tired he went to bed with an empty stomach? He knew Kuroo had no food left inside his pantry or fridge, so he must have skipped dinner. When he stepped inside the apartment Kuroo was already sleeping, and Kenma felt the guilt for leaving Kuroo seeped into him. The futon for Kenma was already laid out neatly right next to Kuroo’s own bed. He watched Kuroo’s sleeping form, mind drifted back to the talk he had with Akaashi earlier, wondering if he had truly moved on from him that he was even encouraging Akaashi about his feelings for Bokuto, before succumbing to sleep.

The next day Kenma woke up to Kuroo already dressed and packing his stuff into his book bag. Still bleary from sleep, the younger man rubbed his eyes and stared at Kuroo questioningly. 

“I have something that needs to be done at the faculty, sorry I can’t send you to the station, Kenma.”

“Wait-” _You’re going to leave?_ Sounded a little too clingy for Kenma’s tastes, so he backtracked and settled with, “You’re not going to ask?” Kuroo’s eyebrow shot up in a silent question. “What happened last night?”

“Um, well, if you wanted to tell me you would have anyways.”

Kuroo answered, tone devoid of his usual teasing lilt. 

He spent too long mulling on what Kuroo might have meant with that, that he didn’t notice he was already taking his leave. “Well, uh, I’m going now. Don’t forget to lock the door and leave the key at its usual place okay?”

_What?_

Kenma was left to stare at the door after Kuroo took his leave, a quiet unrest settling deep in his stomach.

\--

It had been almost three weeks since Kenma had last seen Kuroo, in what felt like the longest few weeks ever. He kept locking and unlocking his phone, checking if he got a new message from him, and frowning when he saw the last chat they had was four days ago when Kuroo told him he won’t be able to visit home this week too. 

It’s not like Kenma didn’t want to just suddenly appear at his apartment, but Kenma too had been busy preparing for his university entrance examination, attending cram schools on the request of his parents. He had been trying to get into the department of computer science in Kuroo’s school, having to work himself harder if he wanted to get accepted. His time now occupied with reviewing his lessons and going to his cram schools, coming home only when the night is late and he would be too exhausted to think about messaging Kuroo.

Staring at Kuroo’s last message bubble again, something he had been used to doing the past few weeks, he thought back to that night, that kiss right outside of the gate of his house, how Kuroo had looked at him then. He closed his eyes, trying to reimagine the kiss, fingers moving on its own to trace his lips in an attempt to mimic how Kuroo’s lips had felt on his own. In his mind he saw Kuroo, his eyes, and then his lips, curling into a small smile. Nothing like the grin or the casual smirk he likes to throw to agitate his opponents -- or the people around him in general -- but, the one he reserves for Kenma. The one that had taken Kenma years to realize that Kuroo only smiled that smile for him. Slowly, as if coming down to a crashing realization, Kenma opened his eyes.

He missed Kuroo, _terribly_.

And he had a feeling that he may have had fucked things up with him.

\--

He didn’t know why he’s here. Didn't even know if it was a good idea to even come here in the first place. He’s still unsure of what he would say when he meets Kuroo, but with all of Kenma’s exams finished, he had nothing else to distract himself from the fact that Kuroo had been avoiding him. He had only seen Kuroo once in the span of four weeks, and while they still text each other occasionally, Kenma knew the air of normalcy was just a pretense, and he couldn’t do this anymore. Couldn’t pretend like their friendship was not crumbling down right in front of his eyes as he does nothing and watch. 

The light of Kuroo’s unit was on from where Kenma could see it, but his feet stayed glued to the ground, afraid of moving any further than this. The wind started to blow again and although all the snow had melted, the chill was still prevalent in the air, and Kenma knew he had to make a move now and not talk himself out of this. 

With every step he took, the nerves chipped away at his will, convincing him to turn around and reschedule the confrontation, but Kenma climbed the stairs anyway, ignoring the pleas of his anxiety. Kenma knocked on the door three times and it swung open, revealing Kuroo’s face. 

Kuroo’s face that Kenma had been missing, _terribly_. Kuroo’s face that was apparently really shocked to see him right now, as if he was the last person Kuroo could imagine knocking on his door.

In retrospect, Kenma probably should have called and told Kuroo he was going to come. 

His gaze was turned away immediately, moving himself from the door to let Kenma in. The atmosphere was awkward from the get-go, and Kenma didn’t know how he could start the impending conversation without making it any more uncomfortable than it already was. The older man was avoiding his eyes, looking at anywhere but Kenma. He was sitting on the chair right by his study desk, face downturned so Kenma couldn’t read him. And then, Kuroo spoke.

“Kenma, look-- I’m, I really can’t see you right now.”

Silence. A heartbeat passed.

“I don’t understand, Kuro.”

“I-” Kuroo stopped, forcing himself to lift his head, and the eyes that met Kenma then made him almost wish Kuroo didn’t look up to see him.

“I can’t do this anymore, Kenma. Can we- can we end this here?” 

_This._ This fake relationship. 

“Sure. If you’re uncomfortable with it I guess you could--”

“No, Kenma! I’m not--” the older man stopped, eyes frantic in search of better words to use. Kenma braced himself for what’s to come. “The thing is, I… I love you.”

What.

Kenma’s first reaction was to pass it off as humour, to chide Kuroo even for messing with him, but the tremor in the older man’s voice was enough for him to tell that he was serious. 

He had not expected this at all.

“I’m sorry. I guess I really did go and fell in love huh?” Kuroo looked up again, chanced a glance at the man who was already looking at him, and again Kenma was met with the same heartbroken eyes that he wished he could protect. “But to be honest I feel like I have always been in love with y0u, Kenma. Now more so than ever.”

_Kuroo had been in love with him? For how long?_

“Kuro, I- I don’t know-”

Kenma could never forget the way Kuroo’s face fell when he said that.

“It’s alright, Kenma, you don’t have to answer anything now. I- You should go home,” he rose from the seat and went through his closet, rummaging to find his Nekoma jacket. “Here, take my jacket in case it gets too cold.” The older man gingerly placed the thick piece of fabric around his shoulder, careful not to let his touch linger any more than necessary.

“I think we should… stop meeting for a while. I need to sort my feelings out first before I can see you again. We both do,” he murmured, gently ushering Kenma’s smaller body towards the exit. _Wait,_ Kenma thought, _no_. 

“Whatever you decide on, I… I won’t hate you, Kenma.”

Kenma didn’t return home immediately after leaving Kuroo’s unit. His feet brought him to the park near the apartment, resting himself on one of the benches there. Kuroo’s words rang loud in his ears, contemplating the weight of it all.

Kuroo had loved him. Had been in love for quite some time now. And Kenma, he doesn’t know how to process it. Kuroo confessing to him had not been something that he was expecting when he visited him. What was he even expecting in the first place?

Does _he_ like Kuroo?

Kenma wouldn’t know. The only experience he had with his feelings was his flimsy crush on Akaashi, and he had moved on from that pretty quickly. He tried to think back of when they were together, how his heart reacts when he’s with Kuroo and compares it to all the times he felt his face heats up in the presence of Akaashi.

Kuroo doesn’t make him nervous. Being with him, standing by his side, was something so very natural to Kenma that he never had to think twice when he wanted to be affectionate with him, in the rare cases that he was affectionate. 

Kuroo made him blush sometimes too, but in an entirely different way than that of Akaashi’s. 

He lets out a frustrated groan, angry at himself for not knowing how to sort his feelings out, when he heard someone’s shoes stopping to stand next to him. He looked up to see an unimpressed Haru, one hand holding a plastic bag from the _konbini_ and the other rested on her hips. 

“Kenma? What are you doing here?”

Kenma vaguely remembers Kuroo mentioning that Haru lives in the same complex, just two floors above Kuroo’s. She must have found it ridiculous, Kenma sitting on his own at the park at 7pm in the chilly March evening. Kenma didn’t answer, but the look on his face properly conveyed everything to the perceptive girl, and she ushered Kenma to scoot aside so she could sit next to him, offering a bottle of Pocari out of her plastic bag.

“You know, I think I have to apologize to you.” She started, and when Kenma raised his eyebrow, not sure how to perceive the statement, she continued. “I doubted you, at first. I mean, the whole you and Tetsu thingy. I know it’s not my place to do that, considering you were his friend longer than I ever was, but…”

Kenma watched the girl fidget with the bottle in her hand, the uncertainty in her actions somehow resonating with him.

“I had a friend from home, who was just like Kuroo. Annoying, obnoxious laugh and likes to take care of people. He didn’t get to go to university though, too sick for that.” Haru paused, biting her lip. Kenma didn’t ask for elaboration. 

“I guess I just saw my best friend in Tetsu, that would explain all this imprinting,” she laughed, throwing her head back and letting it tilt up to the sky. “Look, Kenma. There were a thousand things I had wanted to tell my best friend, and I didn’t because I was scared. I regretted it.”

After a brief silence and a lot of thinking, Kenma spoke.

“I think Kuroo’s dumb,” he starts. “For falling for me.”

Kenma explained that he felt like he was tying Kuroo down to him, selfishly keeping him away from other, newer people who come in his life, and sent a sheepish glance to Haru. “I never want to do half the things Kuro likes, and even then he understood and will stay by my side, still.”

“Well, that just means he rather be with you than doing the things he likes. And, I don’t think Kuroo has a hard time finding friends, he just wants to spend time with you instead. Also, you’re selling yourself way too short. You endured what, 6 years of volleyball? For Kuroo, right? You play volleyball because of him,”

“I didn’t hate it.”

“But you would rather not, right? But you still do it because Kuroo asked you to. That just shows how far both of you are willing to go for each other” 

Kenma was silent for a while, processing the information, before another thought pops into mind.

“Okay, let’s say that’s true. That Kuroo will drop dead if I ask him to-”

“He would,” Haru quips, a knowing smile on her lips, and Kenma rolls his eyes. “Let’s say that _is_ true. But, what about me?”  
  


“What about you?” 

  
“What about my feelings? I’m not even sure if this is love or if I just want him to be at my side constantly because I’m dependent on him. I thought I was in love with Akaashi, but I got over him pretty quickly. What if I do that to Kuroo too?”

His voice was laden with fear, fear of hurting Kuroo with his actions and emotions, and the girl softens, giving Kenma a gentle pat on his head.

“I won’t tell you how to feel, your feelings are yours alone, but. It’s alright you know? To be confused and not have everything figured out yet. You’re 18. You don’t need to know what love actually means to fall into a relationship, especially with someone you trust.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Do you want to hurt Kuroo?”

Kenma’s eyes widened, the thought of hurting the other boy never crossing his mind. Kuroo had been nothing but amazing, a brilliant star that Kenma wanted to keep close to him, but still shining brightly on his own. “No. I want him to be… happy.”

A smile slowly graced Kenma’s lips, thoughts finally falling into place. Haru had told him to think it through, sleep on it first before doing anything, and before he walked back to the station to head home, Kenma asked to leave a message to Kuroo.

“Can you tell Kuro... that I want him to come to my graduation?” 

“Of course.”

\--

_I will see him tomorrow._

It never occurred to Kenma before that he would be this restless and excited over meeting someone, even more so when said someone was his best friend of over ten years. He saw Kuroo everyday since he was 7, never having to have any actual reasons to miss the older man, but now it’s different. Now, Kenma has a grip on his feelings, and with that revelations of new emotions and possibilities of what’s to come between the two of them.

He muses on his feelings, still muddled the way it was when he spoke to Haru. But he knows one thing for sure now, in crystal clarity.

As long as he could stay by Kuroo’s side, as long as he is with Kuroo, he can slowly figure them all out. All he knows now is that he won’t let go of him.

\--

Nekoma High’s graduation was the same every year.

Families and friends posing in front of the beautiful cherry blossoms background, the graduate holding up their high school diploma in hand, words of encouragement and congratulations and a constant buzz of excitement filling the air. 

Spring was sweet.

Kenma had graduated. Leaving behind another one of his fondest memories, the place, the people. Stepping into another inevitable change. He stepped onto the podium to receive his scroll, ushered to the front and told to smile by the cameraman. Instead of smiling his eyes scanned the sea of people to look for a mop of unruly bedhead, lips automatically popping into a smile when he spotted it, pleasing the cameraman as he captured the moment with his camera.

Kenma was nervous. More nervous about meeting Kuroo again and finally correcting things between them than he was nervous about exposing himself to hundreds of people witnessing him receive his high school diploma. He blocks out the rest of the event, sitting silently in his seat as his nerves thrum in his ears, rehearsing what he was going to say to Kuroo over and over in his head. His fingers fidgeted, toyed around with the small button of his school blazer, the place where the second button should have been already rid of its button.

When the event was over Kenma didn’t waste a second, immediately coming up to Kuroo and dragging him by his arm to somewhere the two of them could be alone, half-shouting “We’ll be right back!” to his confused parents. Kenma’s heart was racing a mile a minute, expertly navigating through the crowd as his feet brought them to the place most familiar for the two of them: the Nekoma volleyball gym.

His grip on Kuroo’s arm was released as they stepped into the gym, and from the side of his eyes Kenma saw Kuroo throwing his head back, looking around at the gym with a fondness to his eyes that made Kenma want to hug him. 

“I miss playing volleyball with you,” Kuroo said, eyes fixed to the spot where the net would be put up, no doubt reminiscing his good old days as captain of the team. Now they were both no longer students of Nekoma, both have given up their captainship to their juniors. Kuroo still wasn’t looking at Kenma, seemingly deep in thought, when he spoke. “Look Kenma, I’m sorry for making things weird between us and-”

Kenma slipped his hand into Kuroo’s, bringing him closer to him and encasing his larger hand in both of his palms. “Kenma,” he breathed out, and Kenma steadied himself.

“I have something to say to you, Kuro.” When Kuroo didn’t try to retract his hand from Kenma or move away, he continued. “I really… care about you. And I don’t want to lose you.”

The hand in Kenma’s grasp flinched, and he tightened his hold on it, wanting to make his intentions clear to the man in front of him. “Kenma…” Kuroo’s voice wavered, and Kenma knew he must have had the wrong idea in his mind. Panicking, Kenma continued.

“Wait, Kuro. I don’t know what is the best way to say this but,” Kenma took his time, regulated his breathing, before continuing. “You… are my _home_ , Kuro. And I don’t want to do things that would hurt you, but I did, anyway.”

“It’s not your fault, Ken.”

“It may not be, but I don’t want to hurt you anymore. And I want to- I want to stay by your side, if you would let me. What I’m saying is, I… I like you, Kuro.” The older man didn’t say anything, his eyes wide as he tried to process Kenma’s words. Kenma took it as a sign to keep talking.

“More than friends,” Kenma said, eyes never leaving Kuroo’s as he uttered the words. “I have never thought of you in that way before. Not consciously, at least. But I think somewhere along the way my feelings and attachment for you was blurred and probably crossed the line of being just friends already, and I probably didn’t notice it. But,” Kenma squeezed the hand in his a little tighter, as if the gesture gave him encouragement to communicate his emotions out.

Now that Kenma has had a taste of what love could have been between the two of them, he doesn't think that he can ever go back to where they were before they started all of this.

“With you being my fake boyfriend, it’s really hard not to fall in love with you, Kuro.”

Kuroo had stared at him for a good two minutes, mouth opening and shutting, struggling to get his words out. A look of doubt crossed his face, deep lines marring his forehead as he furrowed his brows in thought.

“But-- I thought that when you ran to Akaashi-”

“He was having problems with Bokuto-san, and wanted to hear my thoughts. He’s my friend, Kuro. Is it really that weird of me to want to do things for a friend?”

Kenma smiled, soft and encouraging, as he squeezed his hand lightly again, in a form of apology. He knew what it might have looked like, him storming off into the night without another word of explanation, while Kuroo was still deep in the midst of his turmoil about the status of their relationship. But then Kuroo returned his smile, small and shy, as if embarrassed that he had jumped to conclusions.

“I guess not,” Kuroo said. “I was confused by your actions. One night you kissed me and the next day you won’t talk to me about it, so I figured that it really was just a mistake on your part. And then there’s Akaashi too…” He trailed off for a moment. “Haru scolded me that night, actually. When you came to my apartment. She said I didn’t give you a chance to say what _you_ wanted to say. So, I’m sorry too, Kenma.”

Kenma wanted to say it wasn’t his fault, that he didn’t have to blame himself like that because he also didn’t make his intentions clear, but Kenma also knew sometimes words don’t come across to Kuroo as well as actions do. So he pushed himself on the tip of his toes, using his hand to pull Kuroo closer down towards him. He didn’t kiss him immediately this time, giving Kuroo enough time and space to pull himself away if he wanted to, but of course he didn’t do that. The taller man leaned down, slowly closing the distance between them and meeting Kenma’s lips halfway.

 _Kuroo’s lips were soft_ , Kenma thought. Soft, and it molded against him, slotted perfectly into the nook of Kenma’s own lips. The gentle scent of Kuroo’s sandalwood cologne filled his nose, the same way thoughts of the older man were filling his mind at the moment, and Kenma wanted nothing more than getting closer to him, holding onto Kuroo tighter. He presses a little harder, applying more pressure, and Kenma can feel Kuroo flinch when he sucks a little at the corner of his lips, smirking into the kiss. Who knew the attractive, master of provocation, Kuroo Tetsurou could be this shy when he’s being kissed.

When they pulled away from each other, Kenma released the grip he had on Kuroo’s hand for the past ten minutes, revealing a shiny black button in Kuroo’s palm.

“Kenma, this is…”

“My second button,” feeling the color rising up in his cheeks, Kenma shied away. “You can be cheesy sometimes, when you try, did you know that?” Of course Kuroo didn’t waste a breath to tease him, his usual cheeky tone making an appearance again, which oddly made Kenma feel inexplicably happy.

“Shut up, you're annoying.”

Kenma let Kuroo laced their hands together, and when he looked at him only to see he was already staring at him as if Kenma was everything he had ever wanted, the storm in his heart finally settled.

Everything…. Everything will be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> *The konbini I was describing is one you can often see in kdramas, where the area was big enough they could include tables and chairs in them. Not sure if there are such convenience stores in Japan, though.  
> *Nerima = the ward where Nekoma High is at, I just used this ward as Kuroo (and Kenma)’s hometown.  
> * _happi_ coat = a traditional Japanese straight-sleeved coat worn during festivals
> 
> So that was a long ride.... In all honesty, this wasn't my favorite work simply because I changed the course of this fic SO many times throughout writing this, and it's very difficult for me to write because I just can't get a grasp of the emotions exchanged between the characters properly. I might come back and revise this later, but for now it stays as it is. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Hopefully you guys can give me feedbacks and comments here or on [Twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/helheiimr/status/1342049167565197312)!! (If you're not a minor, follow me while you're at it :3)


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